i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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