I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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