just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I need water and some morals
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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