my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
