you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
