I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
