She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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