Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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