I think I won the penis lottery.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
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Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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