And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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