U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
