All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
