I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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