my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
