I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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