Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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