you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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