Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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