Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
