I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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