last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
