I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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