her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
