Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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