I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
