If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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