So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
