I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
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