My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
