He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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