can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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