Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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