Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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