dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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