Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
