Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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