I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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