Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
