omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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