Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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