Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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