you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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