Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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