Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I believe in your delicious
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
