So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
