I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
