So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
