idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
