Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
