The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
