just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
