sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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