a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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