I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
