I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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