So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Randomize
