We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
