Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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