Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
