o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
